(The Need to Control Everything)
One way I used to prepare for anything was to anticipate possible outcomes. That way, I could prevent things from going wrong. I eventually realised I was not always preparing for uncertainty; sometimes I was trying to eliminate it. And that is a much more exhausting pursuit, because life does not negotiate with our need for certainty.
I remember a young woman telling me about a relationship she had spent months trying to keep together. She knew something had changed, but she could not tolerate not knowing what. When her partner became quieter, she wanted explanations immediately. She began checking things she had never checked before, asking questions in different ways, seeking reassurance and replaying conversations to find clues she might have missed.
The more uncertain she felt, the more she tried to control. And the more she tried to control, the more strained the relationship became. Day after day she wondered what she could do next to make the situation feel certain again.
Reflection
Her behaviour began with fear. She cared deeply about the relationship and was terrified of losing it. Somewhere along the way, however, caring had become monitoring, concern had become overthinking, and love had become an attempt to manage an outcome she could not guarantee. That is one of the uncomfortable ways obsession develops. We become attached not only to what we want, but to the feeling that we can keep it safe if we try hard enough.
I think uncertainty is one of the hardest things for the human mind to tolerate. We prefer an uncomfortable answer to an unanswered question. At least an answer gives us something to work with. Uncertainty leaves the door open to possibilities, and the mind often fills that open space with its worst fears.
So we check the phone again. We seek reassurance again. We revise the plan again. We ask another person what they think. We try to predict what someone will do before they do it. We call it being careful, but sometimes we are simply trying to make the unpredictable behave.
The deeper problem is that control can feel productive even when it is powerless. I can spend minutes thinking about a conversation and feel as though I have done something about it. I can plan every detail of an event and mistake planning for certainty. I can constantly check on someone and convince myself that vigilance is love. But thinking harder does not necessarily give me more control.
I have had to confront this because the desire for control can quietly become expensive. It can steal sleep because the mind refuses to switch off. It can damage relationships because people eventually feel watched rather than trusted. It can drain money when fear pushes us into unnecessary decisions. It can consume time that could have been spent actually living. Most painfully, it can take away peace while convincing us that we are protecting ourselves. I may be trying so hard to prevent tomorrow’s pain that I fail to experience today’s life.
This does not mean I should become careless. There are things I genuinely can control, and wisdom requires that I take responsibility for them. I can communicate clearly, prepare, save, and set boundaries. I can make informed decisions. I can ask for help. I can leave genuinely harmful situations. But there is a line between responsibility and control. The first gives me agency but the second quietly makes me a prisoner of outcomes.
The healthier practice is learning to divide life into three things: what I can control, what I can influence and what I must release. I can control my response, but not another person’s feelings. I can influence a relationship, but I cannot force someone to love me well. I can prepare for an opportunity, but I cannot command the outcome.
I think it’s time to get a bit more comfortable with incomplete information. Not every unanswered message requires investigation. Not every behaviour change requires an immediate explanation. Not every uncertain outcome needs to be solved tonight. Sometimes the most mature thing you can do is allow reality to reveal itself in its own time while remaining attentive to what genuinely requires action. That is not passivity; it is disciplined restraint.
You may never control everything that happens to you. But you can become someone who does not fall apart every time life refuses to follow the script.
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