Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People

She had already broken up with two men in just a year, and this was the third time in a row she was dating someone emotionally unavailable. Her relationships always started the same way; intense attention, sweet words, and promises that felt different from the last heartbreak. But within weeks, the same cycle unfolds. 

Calls became inconsistent, affection faded, and she found herself chasing someone who was slipping away. She started to wonder why she kept attracting people like that. But the real question I had to ask was why she kept choosing them.

The people we attract and allow into our lives are rarely random. Our emotional patterns, which are shaped by past experiences, self-worth, and subconscious beliefs, influence who we connect with and why. 

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to toxic, unavailable or emotionally draining people, it’s not just bad luck or family witchcraft, it’s a pattern. And until you understand it, you’ll keep reliving the same relationship with different faces.

This is referred to as the repetition compulsion; the unconscious tendency to recreate familiar emotional experiences, even if they’re harmful. 

If you grew up feeling unseen, you might unconsciously seek out people who don’t prioritise you, because that dynamic feels familiar. If past relationships have made you feel like love must be earned, you might be drawn to partners who make you work for their affection. It’s not that you want to be hurt, it’s just that, deep down, it feels normal.

Again, emotional patterns are also shaped by the narratives we tell ourselves. If you believe all men cheat or no woman will ever truly stay, your mind will filter out red flags that prove you right. That’s why certain people still struggle to believe that faithful married men and women exist in 2025.

If you are in that state, you would often find that you tend to ignore the signs, justify toxic behaviour, and cling to what’s familiar, even if it’s unhealthy. The brain likes what it knows, even when what it knows is painful.

But here’s the truth, you don’t just attract what you want, you attract what you’re emotionally prepared for. If you settle for inconsistent love, it’s often because part of you believes that’s all you can get. 

If you tolerate partners who drain you, it’s because something in you hasn’t yet demanded better. And until you shift your internal patterns, the cycle won’t break.

So, how do you change it? First, recognise the patterns in your past relationships because the past holds clues about your present. Is it emotional distance? Lack of effort? Or Chaos?

Next, challenge your beliefs about love. If you think love has to be hard, you’ll attract struggle. If you think nobody will ever love you fully, you’ll unconsciously choose people who prove that right. Rewrite the script in your mind, or it will keep writing your story.

Finally, raise your standards not just for others, but for yourself. Heal the wounds that make you crave what’s unhealthy. Walk away at the first sign of emotional unavailability instead of waiting for it to change. 

Choose peace over passion that burns too fast. Because when you grow out of what holds you back, the people you attract will change too. And one day, you’ll realise you don’t need to chase love. The right kind will meet you where you are.

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Have you ever dated the same kind of person in different bodies? What patterns did you notice? 

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