His father kept warning him about his misconduct, incorrigible character, and unscrupulous behaviours. Sir. Desmond feared that his eldest son, Osward might be in a serious predicament sooner or later if he didn’t amend his ways.
No sooner had he made his fears known to him than Osward made a serious financial mistake and was facing the consequences of that decision including a possible jail sentence. His father immediately stepped in, paid what needed to be paid, called the people involved, explained the situation, and quietly cleaned up the mess. Everyone praised him for being a good father.
Guess what? A few months later, this same son assaulted a fellow. A disciplinary committee was set up to sanction him on campus. The father again used his connection, influence and affluence to rescue him and even found a way to manipulate the narrative. The victim became the villain in the story eventually.
As these encounters unfolded, I began wondering whether the father was helping his son or helping him avoid becoming the kind of man who could take responsibility for his own decisions. I realised that sometimes the most loving thing I can do for someone is not to remove the consequence they need to face.
Around March this year, Osward was involved in another scandal. This time around, the police were at the scene to pick him up before anyone could show up. He was put in cells throughout the long holidays. When the father got to the station, he urged the officers to keep him behind bars for some time in order to serve as a deterrent for future actions. Everyone was surprised at the sudden stance of Sir. Desmond.
When he was explaining why he took that stance, he said, “Sometimes when a child keeps playing around a lighted candle and you keep warning him and carrying him from there, he doesn’t learn, but once you allow him to touch just the tip of it and he feels the heat, he quickly backs off. So, leave him to have a feel of the cell and let him decide afterwards whether this is the kind of life he wants.’” he said, with a furious voice.
I have always admired people who help. There is something beautiful about seeing someone notice another person’s struggle and respond. But the older I become, the more I realise that goodwill requires more than a generous heart. It requires discernment. I can genuinely want someone’s well-being and still make their situation worse by intervening at the wrong time, in the wrong way, or for the wrong reason.
I have seen how sometimes I am so uncomfortable watching someone struggle that I rush to remove their discomfort. Per adventure, their discomfort was teaching them something I cannot teach them through words if I constantly rescue them. In fact, there is a difference between supporting someone through consequences and protecting them from facing their consequences.
I have also learnt that not every painful outcome is a lesson someone needs to endure alone. For instance, a child should not be left to suffer because an adult wants to teach responsibility. Someone facing abuse does not need to remain in danger so they can learn from the situation. A person experiencing a genuine emergency may need immediate intervention.
There are moments when refusing to help in the name of teaching a lesson becomes cruelty disguised as wisdom. And there are times when helping always create irresponsibility, lack of accountability, repetition of unpardonable errors, and dependency. Once again, discernment matters.
Ready to turn goodwill into action?
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