Earlier today, a cousin who had just ended a relationship that we believed would lead to marriage reached out to me. According to him, there had been no major betrayal, no abuse, no public drama or fight ensued. In fact, there was no obvious reason that would make outsiders understand why two people who seemed happy had decided to part ways.
As our tete-a-tete progressed, he said, “I was head over heels in love with her, but I felt like the relationship was demanding too much access to my life.” I remember sitting quietly after hearing that. I couldn’t help but admit that gone are the days many people feared losing relationships. Today, it appears that we rather fear losing independence.
As I reflected on it, a lot of thoughts and critical questions flooded my mind. I started wondering how modern relationships have become too fragile. Have people become too unwilling to make sacrifices? Have we become so obsessed with personal freedom to the extent that commitment now feels like a burden? I probed further.
Then, suddenly, it dawned on me that, just like my cousin, I have also, over the years, felt similar tensions. I have appreciated making decisions without consulting anyone; I have valued personal space, privacy, inter – alia, and enjoyed solitude.
Decades ago, in our African traditional culture, identity was often rooted in community. Our ancestors said it takes a village. Family, neighbours, friendships, faith communities, and collective responsibility shaped how we understood ourselves. Relationships were not merely optional additions to life; they were central to life itself. We used to say we were together as one.
Today, we say it’s just about ‘me, myself, and I’. Then we add,’clock it!’. Almost everything is personal now; from individual goals to happiness, growth, and fulfilment. We rarely care about the emotional needs of the people around us. Don’t get me wrong. Personal ambitions are important. The problem, however, emerges when relationships only exist as long as they serve individual preferences. At that point, connection becomes transactional.
It is glaringly obvious that these days, many of us are highly connected digitally but increasingly distant emotionally. We communicate constantly but we reveal very little. We have hundreds of contacts yet struggle to identify genuine ones to reach out to when life becomes blurry. Most of us desire intimacy but we fear vulnerability. Honestly, these contradictions raise eyebrows.
One may ask: how did we get here? Social media has played a major role in the rise of individualism in modern relationships. We consume messages encouraging us to protect our peace, choose ourselves first, and never settle for less. Well, some of these ‘sermons’ are valuable and necessary corrections to unhealthy patterns. However, when they are swallowed hook, line, and sinker, they create the illusion that every form of discomfort is toxic and every sacrifice is unhealthy.
I’m not really worried about the independence syndrome per se. What actually baffles me is the growing emotional distance that accompanies it. We have developed the skill of protecting ourselves while becoming less skilled at connecting deeply. We know how to set boundaries but do we still know how to build bridges?
My cousin’s situation revealed a wider cultural reality. Oh, yes, we want freedom but let’s not forget that freedom without attachment is expensive. It demands a heavy price paid in the currency of loneliness. Finding the balance is the way forward. The future of healthy relationships belong to those who understand that being independent and being connected are not mutually exclusive
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