(Obsessed With Being Liked )
“There’s this lady I serve with in church, and honestly, I don’t know what to make of her behaviour anymore. She naturally loves attention, but sometimes I feel she doesn’t want anyone else to have it. Anytime someone is complimented for doing something well, she makes a remark that leaves you wondering whether she is genuinely happy for the person. It is almost as if she is asking, ‘What about me? Why didn’t anyone mention me too?’
“At first, I thought perhaps I was reading too much into things. After all, who doesn’t enjoy being appreciated? We all want to feel seen. But this happens too often. Someone sings beautifully, and instead of simply appreciating them, she finds a way to draw attention to herself. Someone is praised for their commitment, and somehow the conversation becomes about something she has also done. Even when she doesn’t deliberately take the attention, she seems uncomfortable watching someone else receive it.
“What troubles me is that we are serving in church, a place where we are supposed to work together, yet sometimes it feels like we are competing for recognition. I don’t want to judge her unfairly because I don’t know what goes on inside her. But I genuinely wonder: is it normal to want to be liked and appreciated this much, or is there a point where the desire for attention becomes something unhealthy?” — Anonymous.
Reflection
I find this story interesting because the behaviour described is not entirely unfamiliar to us. Most of us enjoy being appreciated. We like hearing that we did well, that our contribution mattered, or that someone noticed the effort we made.
Even those who insist they do not care what people think may feel a little disappointed when their efforts go unnoticed. There is nothing shameful about wanting to be seen. Human beings are social creatures, and recognition can reassure us that we belong and that our presence matters. But what happens when appreciating someone else begins to feel like a personal loss? What happens when another person’s praise makes us question our own value? That is where a seemingly ordinary desire can begin to take control of us.
I wonder whether the lady in this story has ever stopped to consider what happens inside her when someone else is celebrated. Perhaps she genuinely believes she deserves recognition too. Perhaps she has worked hard behind the scenes and feels overlooked. Perhaps she has spent years watching others receive the appreciation she quietly longs for.
We should leave room for these possibilities because behaviour does not always reveal the full story behind it. Sometimes what looks like jealousy is accumulated hurt; what looks like arrogance is an attempt to hide insecurity; and what looks like an excessive need for attention is a desperate search for reassurance. Understanding these possibilities does not mean excusing every reaction. It simply helps us approach people with discernment rather than rushing to condemn them.
Yet there is a deeper question worth confronting: when did another person’s recognition become evidence against our own worth? If someone sings beautifully and receives a compliment, why should that diminish the value of what we contribute? If a colleague is promoted, a friend becomes popular, or another church member is celebrated, what exactly have we lost?
Often, nothing tangible has been taken from us. But something inside us interprets the moment as a threat. We begin comparing, measuring and keeping score. Instead of asking whether we are growing, we start asking whether we are growing faster than others. Instead of enjoying our contribution, we wonder whether anyone noticed it. Gradually, we stop participating simply because something matters and begin participating because we hope someone will notice that we participated.
This is how the desire to be liked can quietly become an obsession. It does not necessarily mean someone spends every waking moment seeking attention. It may show up in the small decisions they make to protect their image: agreeing when they disagree, exaggerating achievements, inserting themselves into conversations, feeling resentful when others receive praise, or becoming unusually distressed when their efforts go unacknowledged.
When our worth depends on other people’s reactions, we hand them a responsibility they cannot reliably fulfil. People will forget to compliment us. They will misunderstand us. They will celebrate someone else. Sometimes they will fail to notice our efforts, even when those efforts are genuine. If every such moment becomes a verdict on our value, we will spend our lives trying to control what was never entirely ours to control.
To deal with these patterns in ourselves, we can begin by learning to notice the discomfort that arises when someone else is celebrated. Rather than immediately dismissing it or acting on it, we can become curious about it. Are we feeling overlooked? Are we afraid that people will forget us? Have we confused being appreciated with being valuable? Then we can practise a small but powerful discipline: celebrate someone without redirecting the moment towards ourselves.
The goal is not to stop wanting to be appreciated; it is to stop making appreciation the condition for believing we matter. Serve because the work is worthwhile. Do good because someone benefits. Grow because growth matters. Let people recognise your contribution when they do, but do not allow their silence to convince you that your contribution has no value.
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