(Why We Become Obsessed With Certain People)
As a teenager, I remember watching a couple who seemed to have perfected the art of fighting without actually leaving each other. They would argue, sometimes quite intensely, and I would wonder why they were still together. Then, not long afterwards, I would see them sitting together in the compound at night, talking as though nothing had happened. I found it confusing. If they were always fighting, why couldn’t they separate?
I eventually concluded that perhaps they loved each other too much. It was around that time I began hearing people say things like, “Girls like bad guys.” I never quite believed it, but I could understand why people said it. We sometimes watch someone repeatedly stay attached to a person who hurts, frustrates, or confuses them and assume love must be the explanation. But we can all agree that sometimes what keeps us attached to a person is far more complicated than love.
Let’s reflect on a few things that may account for this. Do you remember how it felt after you met that one person? You had a remarkable conversation, felt an unusual connection, noticed that they seemed familiar, and suddenly your mind began doing overtime. You replayed what they said. You examined their conversations and wondered what they meant by a particular expression.
You even imagined where the relationship could go when the person had barely become part of your life. You gave that person a major character in the story you were writing in your head. That is one of the ways obsession can manoeuvre its way into someone’s heart. We stop relating only to the person who exists and start relating to the person our imagination has created.
Chemistry can make this even more powerful. There are people whose personalities, voices, humour, appearance or mannerisms seem to fit something deep within us. The attraction can feel almost effortless. But that’s not the same as compatibility.
A strong emotional reaction tells us that something has been activated inside us; it does not automatically tell us that the person is good for us. Another persuasive factor is that sometimes, we are drawn to people because something about them resembles what we already know. Maybe the emotional patterns we grew up around, the kind of attention we learned to interpret as affection, or even the instability we have unconsciously come to associate with love. Yet, that obviously, does not always mean healthy.
We need to understand that not every persistent thought is evidence of deep love. Not every intense attraction deserves to be acted upon. Not every person who occupies your mind deserves access to your life. Sometimes you become attached to the feeling someone gives you rather than the person themselves. Or you may be attracted to their potential rather than their character.
I also think we need to stop romanticising emotional chaos. The relationship that produces constant uncertainty is not necessarily more passionate than the relationship that produces stability. The person who keeps us guessing is not automatically more interesting. The dramatic reunion after repeated conflict may feel intense, but intensity and intimacy are not the same thing.
Learning to manage obsession in this case, means allowing reality to have a louder voice than fantasy. Give relationships time to reveal themselves. Don’t build a future around a few exciting moments. Keep your identity intact while a connection develops.
Notice it when you are repeatedly checking, imagining, monitoring or interpreting instead of actually communicating. And when someone does not reciprocate, let their lack of reciprocity become information rather than a challenge to overcome.
The healthiest form of attachment does not imprison your mind around another person. It leaves room for both people to remain whole.
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